I have always hated clothes shopping, the whole affair. I hate the fit of most of the clothes in the women's section, I hate the shitty fabric and garish colours, I hate the annoying sales assistants, I hate how hard it is to find anything with full length sleeves, or shirts without capped shoulders, jeans without glitter or girly ornamentation. I also hate that I'm supposed to enjoy the whole experience.
Well today I did, sort of. I went out to buy a pair of jeans, I'd literally worn my last pair until they fell apart. Stroke of luck I managed to find a pair of jeans, no ornamentation, standard denim colour, boot-cut with a little stretch, fitted me perfectly. First time in ages I walked out of a change room with a smile.
That wasn't actually the high point for me though.
In my collection of clothes I have accumulated some men's shirts gradually, usually because I'll borrow them from the guys and decide I like them(they both have more clothes than me anyway). I decided on a whim to check out menswear. It was great, shirts actually fitted me, I liked cut of them, the colours, the decent fabric and stitching, I liked the way I felt...
I walked out of a clothes store, happy, excited to get home and get changed. After I got into my new clothes I just felt so confident, so sure of myself, I actually felt like myself. All because of a pair of jeans and a shirt.
I really don't know where I stand when it comes to gender, I don't feel comfortable being femme around anyone other than the guys, I enjoy dressing in a fairly masculine way, I'm itching to cut my hair, but I don't exactly feel 100% masculine either. I guess I'm somewhere in between, and that spot seems to move around.
I guess I just don't know, I'll keep muddling along.