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[personal profile] savveir
Bad recurring dreams


Last night I had one of those dreams that's hard to shake off when you wake up. It was a long, realistic dream that my dad was trying to kill me. I was on the run and he kept tracking me down.. there was a lot of violence. It still has me a bit shaken up. Growing up there was always a very real fear that he would snap during one of his rages and kill us. He had guns, he had blades.. he was also a lot bigger than us and had no issue punching and beating children. Actually I still have that fear whenever I get into an argument with him. I learned mid last year that he is a complete lost cause so I just don't bother anymore (turns out he thinks that my sisters and I being "shitty children" is an excuse for his behaviour).
I have dreams like this relatively often, I'm so tired of it. I haven't lived with them for 8 or so years.. but still it persists. Part of it is that I'm scared what will happen if/when I feel the need to cut him entirely out of my life(which is on the cards once I finish uni this year). My mother and eldest sister would refuse to listen and defend him.. Middle sister less so, she used to get the brunt of it. I pulled my dad off her so he'd stop punching her many times, usually resulting in it being my turn though. Eldest sister used to cry and make excuses for him, she even stopped middle sister and I from calling the police on multiple occasions. My job was to diffuse the situation before it got bad, or try to shut it down.. not so easy when you're the youngest. I hate this, I hate all of it, I hate that I thought this shit was normal for so long.
My mother knew about all of this.. she never did anything though. I have made my peace there, she knows I hate that she let it all happen, that she stayed at the expense of her children's safety. I wonder if they stayed together because both their parent's were divorced. She wasn't immune to his rages, I recall hearing her the one time she stood up to him, mentioning the time when he almost broke her nose. Well, at least my mother has had treatment, and is continuing to do so. My dad is still not admitting there is a problem and likely never will.


Not surprising that I want to change my name so I don't have to be reminded of him every time I see my surname. I'll be changing it as soon as I can afford to, I don't want his name tainting my degree certificates.

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