savveir / blargh (Reply)

Shhhh quiet brain, there's a good pig.

There's a voice of sorts in my head that tells me all the horrible things I am, have done, will do, could never do. It tells me these things as truth, and on some level I think it's right. I can never sincerely say I disagree with it, though I often try in the hopes that if I say it enough I might believe it. This truth is sometimes easier to ignore, like a little niggling at the back of my mind, othertimes it's shouting. Right now it's shouting. It's like it consumes me and anything outside of that that I was/am dissipates. Probably something I hate the most about it is how it makes me question my judgment. I have always had issues trusting what I thought was real, discerning dream from reality, even real and imagined memories. On one hand I think that blogging could help me keep a record of my own reality, but then I come back to it questioning if I was instead imagining things at the time. I just don't trust myself.
With the current shouting I'm finding it harder to push aside thoughts that I'd rather not have. Such as if people talk about me (laugh about me) when I'm not there, if they think I'm kidding myself with my practice (or lack thereof), or even if they think I'm wrong about any involvement I might think I have with gods. Then again, I doubt that myself too because I don't feel that my opinions or thoughts are at all reliable, could quite possibly just be deluding myself to try to hold onto something. I think it's related to why I want to go back to basics, it's safe. I can learn technical stuff to create a foundation, just whether or not I get to a point where I can even use it.
I just feel so isolated, I have one meat-space friend, we haven't seen each other in person for probably over 6 months now. I can't talk to them about pagan stuff anyway. I have friends(or so I keep telling myself so I believe it) online, but text based communication is so easy for me to over think that I shy away from writing about this stuff to anyone because I think it'll make them hate me, or at least find me insufferably annoying. But without reaching out, everything stays in my head and it just get's worse, muttering to myself and feeling like I'm arguing with myself isn't my idea of a good time. Instead I try to occupy as much brain as possible to sort of drown everything else out. Usually gaming with the TV on, as well as music works for me (though getting the balance between enough mind occupied and being completely overwhelmed is tricky).
Having recently finished up with Shark week, I'm reminded again that I'm not myself. I prefer the term mentioned on TC, of Lycanthropy. The suggestion that I'm turning into something else, something that is not me, sits much better. There's been a bit of a joke with the guys, that I am apparently female, it's an outside descriptor to a collection of attributes. Like "huh, looks like I'm apparently a female". I uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time, particularly so when I'm bleeding and at the mercy of hormones I want little to do with. I end up dressing the way I do because I feel I need to be accepted, dressing for my shape is a big part of that (particularly annoying when one's shape screams oooooman), as is the pressure to wear makeup. Thing is I don't mind makeup, I quite like it, provided it's on my own terms. I have particularly hated having to wear nice pretty (ick) makeup everyday for my teaching placement. Makeup for me is like warpaint, I want my winged eyeliner sharp enough to cut. I like having pretty colours on my nails, I like the aesthetic as well as the bonus of not picking at my nails nearly as much. Some days I'm okay to dress femme, almost always it's only if I'm around the guys, and it's in clothes that are pretty masculine anyway... but I'm probably just being pedantic, reading this back makes me think I just don't want to be the same as everyone, rather than being uncomfortable in my skin. I can deal with it, they're just clothes right?
I guess all in all, I just hate myself so very much. I'm lucky that I have people that care about me, but then because they care, it hurts them when I mention this stuff so I feel like I need to keep it to myself. Not to mention the guys are agnostic at best, I feel so shit talking to them about pagan stuff (through no fault of their own, they're supportive.. it's just me).
I'm no longer sure what I wanted to get out of this, aside from just getting it out of me somehow. I hope no one thinks less of me because of it, but I'd understand if they did.